Pain is a constant companion for us from birth. Once we enter the world it begins. Hospital procedures wake up our senses to its discomfort, and so begins our lifelong connection to pain.
Pain to help us grow, pain to warn us from unwise choices, and pain to protect us. And let’s not forget, pain that we cannot ignore or make go away. The pain of grief, of loss, and of love.
If we were blessed with loving parents, love also began at birth. And love and pain are never more parted until we draw our last breath.
The newly maternal make a beautiful, ironic picture. They clasp to their breasts the helpless little bundle that moments before was inflicting great pain upon them, and come hell or high water, nothing is going to stop them from protecting and nurturing that little bundle.
That is love. And it came with a price and will continue to if the mother chooses to be a parent who continues to do what is best for her child.
Today I am at a point of decision that makes me think of all the glory and the horror of love.
I have never done relationships halfway. My parents didn’t and I have patterned my relationships after their example. They were and still are passionately sold on their relationship with Christ. And they have been unwaveringly committed and in love since their marriage in 1971.
I married with the intention of death do us part. It was a decision made in love for my husband. It is a commitment I intend to keep, regardless of the outcome on his end.
The painful thing for me is the realization that love has no choice but to allow the object of its affections to make his or her choices.
Love simply bestows a gift. It is up to the receiver to open it and enjoy it. It is up to the receiver to care for it, to treasure it.
Yesterday I watched my husband struggle greatly with his shame and guilt and the choice before him- his addiction or the family life we both want. I realized that he may make the choice of his addiction and not me and the kids. He may choose to continue down this path of destruction. And it may force me into some painful choices I do not want to make. How those will play out I do not know. I have decided I will never seek divorce, even if his addiction demands we live apart. That is my choice to make and I do not judge anyone who chooses differently.
I have experienced great love in the 21 years I have known my husband. Joy, laughter, pain, and passion. I have had my time – 17 years of it this June. 17 years of love and pain. 17 years I cannot and am glad that I cannot take back. And I still stand here willing to experience 17 more years with him. If he so chooses.
It is not about staying stuck or not moving on. It is about choices. And this is mine. I have a rich life surrounded by friends and family who love me. I have children to raise and a career to pursue. I have a God who loves me. I am not worried about how I will survive, but I do not want to survive without him. I want to thrive with him. And today I pray he makes the choice to heal and to accept the power of choice God has given him to begin again.
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