Waves are for surfing…Three ways to ride out OCD today

Early this morning I woke up and didn’t make a move out of bed for about a 1/2 hour.  Ten minutes after waking, the OCD thoughts started coming. With the OCD  thoughts came waves of anxiety.  They washed over me and subsided for a few seconds, washed over me again and then subsided.

I surrendered to my compulsion to argue with the OCD thoughts (My OCD is what they call “pure O” or basically just obsessions and compulsions that are primarily internal).  I tried to reason with the thoughts.  I tried to wish the waves of emotion and fear away.  Then I did two things that changed the course of my day.  The third thing on this list I will do as soon as I hit the publish button for today’s blog.  Hope this helps someone else out there.

1.  Acceptance

Thankfully, after a minute or two I decided to stop the madness (not the emotions) of mental rehashing and accept that the waves were going to crash over me.  I had no more control over them than I had over the waves of the ocean.  So I rested my head on my pillow and let the waves and the sensations roll over me.

I said hello once again to my old enemy, OCD. I leaned into the emotions for a few minutes- but the waves didn’t take me under or slam my face into the sand on the shore.  They simply put some pressure on me.  And I was able to come up for air.

Right now I still feel the emotions (two hours after waking)  but they are much less intense.  And I am smiling through the emotions because I once again have realized that they are not going to kill me.  I will survive the emotions that OCD brings to my life.  

2.  Prayer for others (read: focus on others)

At that moment I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to pray.  Maybe you aren’t a religious person and this doesn’t work for you.  

Maybe all of your obsessions and compulsions revolve around religion or your relationship with God.  Prayer may be the very thing you want to avoid.  I don’t know.  

But prayer of the right kind might be a way to take your focus and switch it to something more worthwhile- Reality.  The reality is that you are hurting, but so are others.  Reality is OCD’s greatest enemy.

Start your prayer with petitions for others in your life.  I started to go down the mental checklist of people who are struggling, causes worth defending, the people in our life and their needs, our financial situation, my husband’s health, etc., etc.  

The emotions were still present from my OCD anxiety but I kept praying.

I finally ended with a prayer for myself.  That God would continue to help me with my anxiety and help me do something worthwhile with my life.  And that God would make truth evident in my life and help me to focus on truth (reality) vs. the fantasies of OCD.

Important:  To keep your prayer from becoming an obsession, you must begin praying AFTER you have decided to accept that OCD is going to be there- and you must accept the emotions that come with it.  Otherwise, prayer will just be a ritual to try to get rid of the OCD and we know how well that works-  not very well at all!

3.  Exercise (I like to move it, move it!)

I am going to take a walk this morning with my family.  One of the best things for my body when experiencing OCD is to MOVE!  Meditation/yoga and deep breathing also help tremendously.

Hope this helps somebody out today.  Blessings

The Mindful Habit…Craig Perra

So, I wanted to share the best resource for sex and porn addicts.  I say this because of my personal experience.  My husband has signed up for coaching with Craig Perra and it has made all of the difference in our lives.

I spoke to Craig once on the phone (and his wife, Michelle Perra) and they are genuine, caring individuals who have been there and done that and know what it is like to suffer through (Craig’s) porn and sex addiction.  The great news is that now they have overcome and are helping other couples.

This system is not a typical AA style recovery program.  It is action oriented.  Check out:

http://www.themindfulhabit.com

My husband has struggled with porn since the late 1990’s and just in the past few months has found a way to overcome porn addiction with Craig’s help.  He also has lost 22 lbs., changed his sleep and work habits and his overall attitude about life.  It is worth the money!!!!

OCD meets Love, truth and boundaries

Seven months ago my life was living hell.

OCD fears combined with my husband’s long standing pornography addiction were eroding at my sanity and peace of mind.

I have a strong physical constitution and good health.  I have rarely had digestive problems.

I was on the toilet frequently with diarrhea.  

I have always been a morning person who savored waking and enjoying the quiet.

I would wake up with paralyzing fear just about every morning.  All I could do was lie in bed and let the anxiety flood me.

I have been passionately in love with my husband for almost twenty years and being near him is one of the greatest joys of my life.

The state of our relationship due to his behavior and lies was the greatest source of pain in my life.

I have always been an optimist about people and love.

I doubted my belief in mankind and in the worth of life itself.  I doubted my belief in the power of love.

My OCD and anxiety attacks had taken over my life.  I couldn’t function.  But long story short- I have had no major problems for two months now.

Today I have good health, a clear head, rare anxiety moments.  The worst of the attacks ended the day my husband signed up for a Life Coaching program to overcome his sexual addiction and ultimately rebuild trust in our relationship.

Why do I share??

Because I learned the power of Love not only to believe, but to do what is painful.  I did one of the most painful things I have ever done.  I spoke the truth to the man I love.

No more beating around the bush.  I came out straight with the words hard for both of us to hear.  I told him that he was ruining our relationship.  That I do not trust him.  That I cannot turn my back without him engaging in some kind of sexually addictive behavior.  That I do not trust him to be a good father or husband.  That I realized that eventually his behavior, if continued, would end our relationship regardless of how much I love him.

I told the truth and in so doing called attention to the issue two people in love often do not want to face: Continuing in love requires that we not only know the truth about ourselves and the ones that we love, but that we act upon it.  Even when it means the loss of the relationship.  

Because Love operates for the greater good of the person loving and the person being loved.  Because love doesn’t let someone deliberately destroy themselves and those around them without speaking up.

Why the sudden change for me?  I finally was living congruent with the truth and it forced changes to happen around me.

Happily for us, my husband positively responded to the truth.  It was painful to see, but he finally acknowledged to himself and to me that he was and would lose me if he continued down the path of addiction.  And that there would be nothing I could do about it except separate and protect myself from further harm.  That acknowledgment of the truth led him to commit to find help.

My husband has made huge changes in his life because of his love for me and his desire to rebuild trust.   I will detail this in another blog post for those of you interested in learning more about how to overcome addiction yourself or help a spouse or loved one overcome it.

BUT  I realize a positive outcome does not always happen when we speak the truth. At least not for the relationship.  Many relationships end when a boundary is drawn.  Or they go through long, painful periods of rebuilding trust.

In conclusion:

Despite the uncertainty of embracing the truth, I just want to encourage all OCD sufferers to seriously consider all relationship stressors in your lives.  Consider that even if you lose your relationship, you have done the best thing by acknowledging truth.  People talk about setting boundaries all the time.  Boundaries are just acknowledgment of reality.  We all have limits and places we cannot go.  We have burdens we cannot bear or they will destroy us.

If my husband had left me for his addiction or if he had continued his addiction but tried to stay, I would have had to leave and live a separate life.  That would have been the most painful thing I have ever done.  But even if that had been the outcome, my OCD would have eventually improved because I would have removed a major stressor of living a lie.

What things remain unsaid that need to be said?

What actions need to be taken?

What apologies need to be made?

What forgiveness needs to take place?

What encouragement needs to be made?

OCD is not unaffected by our circumstances.  It is not unaffected by our relationships.  It is intertwined with our lives.  It is part of who we are. Perhaps this due to genetic influence, but it can be controlled.  Reducing relationship stressors is a major part of that sometimes.

In closing, the greatest thing I have learned:

OCD must co-exist with Love.  And if we love, truth and boundaries must exist, or we do not fully grasp real love.

Peace, my friends

Pornography Addiction

I like that this article mentions the effects of porn on the brain AND the subsequent effect of porn on relationships. Also, it is a good point that porn can gradually change our perception of what is acceptable, such as having sex with minors.

800 Recovery Hub Blog

The term “pornography addiction” always gets a  raised eyebrow reaction. But, what make it so addictive? Why should it matter? People are free to have their own interests. That’s true, but viewing pornography can mess with your brain in the same way drugs do. And, just like drugs and alcohol a little can be ok (sometimes even beneficial) but “too much” can cause problems.

Whether you’re taking drugs or viewing pornography the addiction process is the same.

Here are three things that happen when a person suffers from an addiction:

1. Chemical – you over-expose the brain with pleasure chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and epinephrine
2. Re-wiring – your brain changes to accommodate the extra chemicals
3. Dependency – You build a tolerance and a dependency to the chemicals. You go from “wanting” the pleasure chemicals in order to feel good to “needing” them.

This happens in the frontal lobes: The area of your brain…

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Combining Blogs

Just want to update my readers on why there are new posts that are related to overcoming sexual addiction and healing for spouses of individuals with sexual addiction. Basically, I decided that two blogs are one too many and I have moved the posts from my other blog to this one. From now on I will only have one integrated blog to maintain. Thanks for reading.

Pain and Love

Pain is a constant companion for us from birth. Once we enter the world it begins. Hospital procedures wake up our senses to its discomfort, and so begins our lifelong connection to pain.

Pain to help us grow, pain to warn us from unwise choices, and pain to protect us. And let’s not forget, pain that we cannot ignore or make go away. The pain of grief, of loss, and of love.

If we were blessed with loving parents, love also began at birth. And love and pain are never more parted until we draw our last breath.

The newly maternal make a beautiful, ironic picture. They clasp to their breasts the helpless little bundle that moments before was inflicting great pain upon them, and come hell or high water, nothing is going to stop them from protecting and nurturing that little bundle.

That is love. And it came with a price and will continue to if the mother chooses to be a parent who continues to do what is best for her child.

Today I am at a point of decision that makes me think of all the glory and the horror of love.

I have never done relationships halfway. My parents didn’t and I have patterned my relationships after their example. They were and still are passionately sold on their relationship with Christ. And they have been unwaveringly committed and in love since their marriage in 1971.

I married with the intention of death do us part. It was a decision made in love for my husband. It is a commitment I intend to keep, regardless of the outcome on his end.

The painful thing for me is the realization that love has no choice but to allow the object of its affections to make his or her choices.
Love simply bestows a gift. It is up to the receiver to open it and enjoy it. It is up to the receiver to care for it, to treasure it.

Yesterday I watched my husband struggle greatly with his shame and guilt and the choice before him- his addiction or the family life we both want. I realized that he may make the choice of his addiction and not me and the kids. He may choose to continue down this path of destruction. And it may force me into some painful choices I do not want to make. How those will play out I do not know. I have decided I will never seek divorce, even if his addiction demands we live apart. That is my choice to make and I do not judge anyone who chooses differently.

I have experienced great love in the 21 years I have known my husband. Joy, laughter, pain, and passion. I have had my time – 17 years of it this June. 17 years of love and pain. 17 years I cannot and am glad that I cannot take back. And I still stand here willing to experience 17 more years with him. If he so chooses.

It is not about staying stuck or not moving on. It is about choices. And this is mine. I have a rich life surrounded by friends and family who love me. I have children to raise and a career to pursue. I have a God who loves me. I am not worried about how I will survive, but I do not want to survive without him. I want to thrive with him. And today I pray he makes the choice to heal and to accept the power of choice God has given him to begin again.

Blame

One of the most unhelpful places to dwell when experiencing OCD type anxiety is blame.  After all, what good does it do to blame someone else or even yourself for your OCD?  There are no villians in this game.  And even if there were, blaming them would solve nothing for you.

Yes, life circumstances may aggravate your tendency towards OCD anxiety flare ups.  But if you are like me, you cannot really pin OCD down on one thing.  Is it genetic?  Perhaps.  Four of my closest relatives have some form of anxiety, so there is a strong argument for genetics in my case.  Or for socialization…

Is it a response to childhood events or stresses?  Is it the body’s way of dealing with unresolved psychological issues?  

Perhaps it is all of these and more.  I could go on and list possible causes.  None of this really helps me if I am in the mindset of placing blame on something or someone.

I only see a light at the end of the tunnel when I take ownership of my life.  

I’m not talking about waiting until things are perfect.  I am talking about accepting that I have OCD symptoms, thoughts, feelings, episodes, etc, etc.  I accept it.  I acknowledge it.  I don’t try to assign blame.  But I do all I can to mitigate the effects of OCD in my life.

Here is a quote I like: ”  You must take personal responsibility.  You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.  That is something you have charge of.”  Jim Rohn

I know nothing about Jim Rohn.  But I agree with his statement.  

When we as OCD sufferers take personal responsibility, it doesn’t mean we try to change the fact that we struggle with OCD.

 It doesn’t mean that if we are somehow irresponsible if we have OCD.

OCD is like the circumstances, the seasons, and the wind.  They cannot be controlled.

But we CAN control ourselves.  We are not OCD.  We are separate from our circumstances. 

I believe that OCD will not survive us.  I believe I will outlive my OCD.  I will go on and OCD will be no more.  The eternal conquers all.

So what does taking responsibility mean?  I think it means living my life.  OCD is whispering to me today.  But I have kids to nurture, a home to keep, people to reach out to and love.  So today, I take responsibility by pressing on through the OCD messages my brain sends my way.  

And remembering with a smile (because today I can smile) that I am not OCD.

I’m afraid of my OCD…

I’m afraid where my OCD will lead me.  Have you ever been working through and obsession and then a new obsession presents itself?  An obsession that your OCD will overtake your mind and your entire life will go down the tubes.

The obsession that OCD maybe is real and you are just in denial.  A sad individual trying to convince him or herself of a lie.

OCD feels so real.  But it isn’t.  It is Lucifer as an angel of white.  It is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  It is a mirage in the desert of your mind.  It grips you with it’s skeletal hand and hangs on tightly while whispering cruel “truths” you simply cannot deny.

OCD tells you that you are being an optimist at best and arrogant at worst. You are expecting no calamity to happen.  Who do you think you are?  It can point out numerous instances in the news, in the lives of other people where the very worst imaginable things have proven to be true.  “You cannot avoid calamity forever”, it hisses.

While you are contemplating it’s lies the real tragedy is all the things that fall by the side.  Love and laughter.  Joy and peace.  Order and comfort (depending on your obsession).  Sanity and confidence.  Kodak moments and needs of little ones.  Passion and sex.  Intimacy and trust.

God give me the courage to keep holding to you while the devil makes noise in the background.  Help me to remember that without you there would be no good and that without the bad there would be no good.  Help me to trust you, the people that have proven themselves in my life and the abilities and talents you given me to help me through the days ahead.  I will resist the devil and he will flee.  Again and Again.

The re-occurring surprises of Obsessions….

It is funny how an obsession holds the power to upset me equally each time it re-occurs.  The intensity does waiver over time with each day for me though because I fight OCD by combating it with truth and also by distracting myself with real problems of life, not ones that are imaginary.

But it still persists in returning.  And it never ceases to make me doubt myself, my relationships, and finally my sanity when an obsession has me in its grip.  

My son is also exhibiting signs of OCD (he started showing signs at age 8).  Now 11 1/2 he confides in me a “bad” thought before bed the other night.  I smile and tell him that Mom has had too many bad thoughts to count in her life, and that it is perfectly normal to have bad thoughts.

But I explain that he has ultimate control of his brain.  His brain is the train and he is the engineer driving it.  He can choose to make the train go around the tracks of thought that he doesn’t accept as valid or worthy of his time.  

He laments to me that it is so “hard” and I say I know.  And I believe what I am telling him and I know it to be truth.

But he is right, it is hard!  And for the last couple days I haven’t been proactively fighting OCD.  I have allowed it to weasel its sneaky way back into convincing me that maybe my obsessions are reality and life is really a dream.  But I know that isn’t true.

For my son, my daughter and my husband’s sake I re-commit to making each day this holiday season a day that I fight OCD. 

 Because for me OCD is a threat to my entire family.  My relationship type obsessions are the worst.  They shake up my world and make me look with suspicion at everyone I love.  So fight I must!  For me and for my family.

With CBT techniques in mind and the truth in my heart I prepare for a night to decorate the tree and bake cookies with my husband and children.  And OCD will be there.  

But it will be the uninvited guest I acknowledge without any enthusiasm.  I’ll be too busy focusing on love and laughter and celebrating the Advent Season.

OCD and gratitude

When in the throes of an OCD panic attack or episode my first thought isn’t to look for something for which to be thankful.  In fact,  my thoughts are usually “Why me?”

But my thought tonight is “Why not me?”  Why should I be the one privileged person among thousands to breeze through life?  Suffering has always been present in every triumph.

As Thanksgiving approaches I embrace my pain and in so doing recognize my frailty and my need for God.  I praise him in the trial and experience a strange joy coexisting with the wounds of OCD.

Tonight I am grateful that “nothing” can separate us from the Love of God. Not famine, nakedness or sword. Not even the mental hell we label OCD.