I’m afraid of my OCD…

I’m afraid where my OCD will lead me.  Have you ever been working through and obsession and then a new obsession presents itself?  An obsession that your OCD will overtake your mind and your entire life will go down the tubes.

The obsession that OCD maybe is real and you are just in denial.  A sad individual trying to convince him or herself of a lie.

OCD feels so real.  But it isn’t.  It is Lucifer as an angel of white.  It is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  It is a mirage in the desert of your mind.  It grips you with it’s skeletal hand and hangs on tightly while whispering cruel “truths” you simply cannot deny.

OCD tells you that you are being an optimist at best and arrogant at worst. You are expecting no calamity to happen.  Who do you think you are?  It can point out numerous instances in the news, in the lives of other people where the very worst imaginable things have proven to be true.  “You cannot avoid calamity forever”, it hisses.

While you are contemplating it’s lies the real tragedy is all the things that fall by the side.  Love and laughter.  Joy and peace.  Order and comfort (depending on your obsession).  Sanity and confidence.  Kodak moments and needs of little ones.  Passion and sex.  Intimacy and trust.

God give me the courage to keep holding to you while the devil makes noise in the background.  Help me to remember that without you there would be no good and that without the bad there would be no good.  Help me to trust you, the people that have proven themselves in my life and the abilities and talents you given me to help me through the days ahead.  I will resist the devil and he will flee.  Again and Again.

The re-occurring surprises of Obsessions….

It is funny how an obsession holds the power to upset me equally each time it re-occurs.  The intensity does waiver over time with each day for me though because I fight OCD by combating it with truth and also by distracting myself with real problems of life, not ones that are imaginary.

But it still persists in returning.  And it never ceases to make me doubt myself, my relationships, and finally my sanity when an obsession has me in its grip.  

My son is also exhibiting signs of OCD (he started showing signs at age 8).  Now 11 1/2 he confides in me a “bad” thought before bed the other night.  I smile and tell him that Mom has had too many bad thoughts to count in her life, and that it is perfectly normal to have bad thoughts.

But I explain that he has ultimate control of his brain.  His brain is the train and he is the engineer driving it.  He can choose to make the train go around the tracks of thought that he doesn’t accept as valid or worthy of his time.  

He laments to me that it is so “hard” and I say I know.  And I believe what I am telling him and I know it to be truth.

But he is right, it is hard!  And for the last couple days I haven’t been proactively fighting OCD.  I have allowed it to weasel its sneaky way back into convincing me that maybe my obsessions are reality and life is really a dream.  But I know that isn’t true.

For my son, my daughter and my husband’s sake I re-commit to making each day this holiday season a day that I fight OCD. 

 Because for me OCD is a threat to my entire family.  My relationship type obsessions are the worst.  They shake up my world and make me look with suspicion at everyone I love.  So fight I must!  For me and for my family.

With CBT techniques in mind and the truth in my heart I prepare for a night to decorate the tree and bake cookies with my husband and children.  And OCD will be there.  

But it will be the uninvited guest I acknowledge without any enthusiasm.  I’ll be too busy focusing on love and laughter and celebrating the Advent Season.